The other day, I listened to Brené Brown talk about belonging on a podcast, and it has resonated with me at this particular time in my life. According to her, in order to truly belong, we must be okay with being alone. If we do not fear being alone, we can bring our full selves when we meet other people instead of desperately trying to fit in – a situation that often leaves us feeling more lonely than being alone ever could.
Moving is Fucking Lonely
When I was nine, my family moved halfway across the country from Louisville to Kansas City (the Kansas side, in case you’re interested). While the following year might not have been the worst of my childhood, it was definitely no party. I was emotionally and physically bullied; I had consistently severe stomach pains (which I can now make an educated guess were actually symptoms of anxiety); and when I went back to visit all my good friends in Kentucky, I felt like my world had stood still while they all had the nerve to move on without me.
When I went to college, I chose a school that was close to home but still in another city. None of my friends ended up going to the same school, so again, I started out alone. After one semester there, I was ready to transfer to another school. I was miserable and lonely all the time. My sophomore year, I went through sorority recruitment (rush, as it was known then), volunteered to direct a one-act play in my artsy residence hall (that’s a dorm for all you non-housing folx: you can take the gal out of student housing, but you can’t take the student housing out of the gal), and joined the club crew team. I hoped one of them might stick.
Shortly after graduate school, Sean and I moved from Lawrence, Kansas all the way to Athens, Georgia. I had to learn my way around a new town – and get new glasses since I couldn’t depend on my knowledge of the streets any longer. We occasionally went out with Sean’s grad school classmates, but mostly we spent time at work, alone, or with each other. Every time we visited Kansas, I came back more broken-hearted and homesick than the last time.
Being Okay with Being Alone
Now I’m halfway across the country from the community I created over the past 14 years in KC. Moving has been really fucking hard, and incredibly lonely.
But I have noticed one major difference in this move compared to my other moves. While there are times that I am lonely, there are also times where I am okay being alone. Happy, even. I have learned a lot about myself over the years, and I have come to like who I am.
And so, though I am also incredibly lonely at times, I am also more at peace. I know that when I do begin to feel that belonging, I will be totally myself in that space. And if I don’t like it, I can always hang out with myself. Not only am I okay with being alone – I find myself rather hilarious.
Hey Kristen-thanks for writing this one. I can totally relate. My first year here in southern IL was really hard. Lonely. Alone. Nothing familiar at all. Lots of changes in many areas of my life. I got therapy starting last January. I also had people tell me it takes a year to feel like you are settling in. I’ve spent a lot of my life alone so I can do that. But sometimes I wanted someone who knew me when or who I could just call up and invite to coffee or lunch. I’ve been a go to person in my family for years and always loved being able to help or support. That was gone. So it was fucking hard and lonely at times.
But, I finally feel like I’m in an ok place and have adjusted to living somewhere where I have no long term friends. I’ve made friends, have enjoyed the natural beauty here by myself on hikes or kayaking tours. I recognize a strength in myself that I wasn’t sure I had, as well as some weakness that I didn’t quite realize was there.
I’m surviving if not yet actually thriving personally. I wish you, Sean and your boy the best in creating a new life where you are.
Jennifer