We are admittedly in a bit of a strange place these days as it concerns mental illness. There is still a lot of stigma surrounding it – even from the most “woke” of people. But there is also more awareness of it than ever before. This means, despite knowing they shouldn’t, people still stigmatize mental illness. I find this concept is similar to my thoughts on vulnerability, but it can be even more harmful in this case. The good news is, I have a few tell-tale signs that indicate to me if this person is actually safe or just pretending to be.

Ways I Know You Stigmatize Mental Illness

Often I recognize stigma in the language of others. When someone talks about being “so depressed” or “so OCD,” it immediately sets off alarm bells. There’s also the person who thinks they’re being helpful every time a mass shooting happens by suggesting we need better mental health care. (Note: People with mental illness are more frequently the victims of such tragedies, NOT the perpetrators. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.) But there are also many ways stigma seeps out that are more difficult to spot with an untrained eye.

Pollyanna Syndrome

One of the primary ways I recognize (not so) subtle stigma against mental illness is what I like to call Pollyanna Syndrome. Pollyanna Syndrome is the need to ALWAYS be positive. But the person with Pollyanna Syndrome won’t stop there – you have to be positive, too. I think we all know people like this. They share affirmations regularly on Instagram that tell you the only thing between you and a good day is your choice. Or they tell you to smile all the time. They share inspiration porn and tell you how brave you are.

Why is this stigmatizing? What’s so wrong with being positive? While I am not the most positive of people even when I’m not experiencing depression or anxiety, I also recognize that a good outlook can help my day go better. However, a good outlook is just not always possible. When I am experiencing depression or anxiety (or any other mental illness), I am sometimes just trying to get through my day. Asking me to smile or have a good outlook minimizes the struggle it can be to survive on those days. And frankly, I shouldn’t have to be positive to make you feel more comfortable. It’s enough that I’m there. Instead of asking me to smile, try sitting with me in my pain for a few minutes. I promise you that will go farther than any positivity you could possibly share with me in those moments.

High Maintenance and Drama

I often hear these about other people, but I’d be shocked if someone hasn’t said one of these about me at some point. When you refer to someone with a known mental illness as “high maintenance” or someone who has a “lot of drama,” you’re not fooling me. I know these are code for, “They are CRAZY with a capital C.” It often means you have sympathy for them, but you can’t bring yourself to have true empathy for them. I’d be a fan of scratching the use of these in reference to people from our vocabulary entirely.

Stigma at Work

Much of my experience with the stigma of mental illness has occurred in the workplace. This really shouldn’t surprise anyone – mental illness rarely pretends to be professional. Here are a few of my favorite ways people stigmatize mental illness when trying to be sympathetic:

  • Asking people to participate in staff bonding activities on a regular basis. Giving negative feedback or performance reviews to people who do not participate. On a low energy day, sometimes I’m lucky to be at work at all. Interacting with people while also trying to manage my illness can feel like rubbing sandpaper on an open wound. This doesn’t mean I’ll never participate in bonding activities, but for other people it might. Not everyone has to love the people they work with – especially when those people stigmatize their illness.
  • Dissuading employees from taking vacation or sick time. First of all, they’ve earned that, and that is part of their salary package. Second, regular time away from work is vital to well-being. It is crucial for managing mental and chronic illnesses. If you try to make me feel guilty for taking my time, not only are you trying to keep from paying my full salary, you’re stigmatizing mental illness.
  • Along those lines, asking for doctor’s notes for absences. Not all illnesses require a visit to the doctor. Much like our immune systems can be run down without an actual virus, so can our minds be run down without an actual breakdown. Telling me I need a note just tells me that you don’t believe me when I say I need a day to refresh and reset from anxiety or depression.
  • Insisting the only quality work can be done in person instead of exploring flexible work options. If I could work from home one day a week, it would be so much easier to manage my mental health. Some of that is just getting a needed break from being around other people. It can also allow me to replenish my spoons instead of spending them on getting all gussied up and “professional.”

Internalized Stigma When You Have Mental Illness

That’s right – even someone who has mental illness can stigmatize it. I’m certain I still carry a good portion of that myself – I’m a work in progress. The important thing to remember about this, however, is that often they carry the stigma in order to protect themselves. This means that when they take a mental health day, they instead tell people they have a cold, cough cough. I know – I’ve done it myself. It means they will continue to enforce policies that stigmatize mental illness and keep quiet when someone says something stigmatizing.

If you experience mental illness and someday feel safe enough to do so, I hope you’ll tell people when you take a mental health day. I hope you’ll share that sometimes you are too ill to participate – and that doesn’t make you weak. This is where we need to move to recognize that people with mental illness are just as deserving of empathy and compassion as anyone. And we are not brave for sharing our stories – we are just human.