It’s been a thousand years since this pandemic started. It has often seemed like if something can be harder, it will be. Being a parent during these trying times has been no exception to that. Even as lucky as I am – with a teenager instead of a toddler, a job that allows me to telework for the most part, and a house big enough to escape parent my son – I’ve felt extraordinarily challenged during these past several months. But I’ve also learned a few lessons about pandemic parenting. I hope to never have to do that again (should this one ever end). But I believe these will carry me through other difficult moments in the parenting landscape. They might even help you out, too.

1. There are no good choices, and you made the right choice

There have been a number of decisions that all parents have had to make this year. Some of those have involved school or daycare or even homeschool. We personally opted to have our son attend his first year of high school remotely. Was this ideal? Of course not. We’ve been living in our current area for less than 16 months, and he is still struggling to develop relationships with students here. And none of us were prepared for remote high school when we had him 14+ years ago now.

But there were a lot of factors to consider, and we took all of those into account and made the decision that was best for our family. At some point I decided that I’m done second-guessing myself (or my partner). We made the best decision we could in the circumstances we’re living. My guess is that if you’re a parent, you did the same. I hope you can recognize that and appreciate your the work you did in making that choice.

2. Pandemic parenting requires no explanations

Phew, this one is a doozy. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of other parents – especially moms – who have started explaining to me the reasons for their decisions in this past year. The minute I say my kid is doing remote school, they feel the need to tell me all the reasons their kid isn’t. And it’s not that I don’t care about those reasons – or even your kid. But I trust you (see number 1 on this list of things I’ve learned).

I know it’s tempting to explain our reasons to others, but I also think it teaches them to expect that. And I’ll be honest, if you’re someone who needs me to explain my decisions about my family? No thanks – you can exit stage left from a relationship with me. As I’ve told every mom or parent that has started to explain to me why they did what they did, you don’t owe me an explanation. You made the decision you did for reasons that are yours, and every family is different.

3. (Some) Rules are arbitrary – especially in pandemic parenting

I’ve heard a lot of worrying about kids being “behind” at school because of the pandemic. I am tempted to ask, “Behind what?” Seriously, who made these rules about what things our kids were supposed to learn when?  I know, I know, I’m getting rather philosophical here. Why are we so worried about kids meeting these arbitrary landmarks?

We have one rule in our house around school work – you have to make an effort, but learning how to be a good person will always be more important to us than grades. I’m not saying this will work for everyone, and our kid still stresses about his grades (so. much. sometimes). But it does help his dad and me keep our eyes on the prize when we’re tempted to use these arbitrary markers as a signal that our parenting is lacking.

4. Boundaries are important – even with your kids

This is a lesson I have had to learn over and over (and over) again – especially during this pandemic. I feel like I’ve been in a state of constant boundary setting since March. And while I work to shore up the boundary in one part of my life, the wild pigs rush in on all the other ones. Sometimes the wild pigs are work, and sometimes they are home, and sometimes they are my depression or anxiety. There has not been a single day during this pandemic that I have felt like I’ve had my shit together in every single part of my life. More typically, I’m doing a great job at work and failing at home, or the opposite. And often I push the depression and anxiety maintenance I should be doing to the bottom of both of those.

But I have found that when I take a second to reset my boundaries, I am able to have a moment of respite. It’s a tiny way of grabbing a very small bit of control during a pandemic that is completely out of my control. Sometimes this means taking a mental health day and then turning off all my notifications for the next few weeks so I can recalibrate. Other times it means asking my partner to help our kid with something so I can focus on a work project. And occasionally it even means hopping in the car and getting away from both of those so I can just be by myself for a bit. The one thing I do know is that I have to keep reinforcing those boundaries again and again. And that’s okay – as long as I keep reminding myself to do it.

5. Empathy does not have to mean being stomped on

There’s been a lot of pandemic parenting advice floating around these days. One of the big ones is to have empathy for your kids. I cannot agree with this advice more. I can’t even imagine what it’s been like for kids who are still trying to figure out what to expect from life. That being said, I draw the line when having empathy for my kid makes me feel a million times worse.

At one point a few months ago, I found myself being berated by my son for nothing I had done. When he saw me wince, he voiced his remorse, “I’m sorry, Mom. I know I’m being a dick right now.” (By the way, having a teenager who speaks my language is the best.) My response to him has been a good reminder to me throughout the pandemic. I replied, “It’s fine that you’re being a dick. You have every right. I just need you to sometimes not be a dick to me.” It’s made all the difference in the world in how I respond to his issues. And I can refer back to it when I need him to understand where I’m coming from. Just because your kids are having a hard time does not mean you need to be the mat they wipe their feet on.

And finally, give yourself grace

Okay, I lied – there’s actually a sixth thing I’ve learned. Nobody prepared you or me for pandemic parenting. I have to think that if we get through this, and our kids are mostly healthy and still living their lives, we succeeded. So maybe we all need to cut ourselves some slack and appreciate what we’ve managed to do. And then go take the long nap we’ve all earned.