Note: Spoilers ahead. If you haven’t watched the full Buffy series and still plan on doing so, I’d skip this post. Go ahead, you have my permission.

Today is Buffy’s birthday, so what better day to write about what has long been my favorite show on TV?

I was in college when Buffy the Vampire Slayer started. Having seen the less spectacular movie – I wasn’t super interested at first. It was only in season two that my younger sister convinced me that I should give it a try. She was sure that I would enjoy it. (Fun fact: The first episode aired on my birthday in 1997 – I was obviously meant to love it.) It took all of one episode for me to get hooked. This was back when we still videotaped shows we wanted to watch if we missed the initial airing. This also meant I had to wait until summer reruns to watch some of the episodes from the first season.

Once I got hooked, Tuesday nights became a sacred night for me. I rarely missed the original airing of an episode. I remember they skipped an episode – “Earshot” – because its theme was too similar to the recent Columbine shooting. Then being stunned at the end of season five when Buffy died. I hadn’t followed any of the news about the show. I thought that was actually the end of the series. And I remember someone gifting me a CD of the full musical soundtrack to listen to anytime I wanted. It was a part of my life in a way that no show had been – and only a couple have been since.

I might be a Giles, but I identify with Buffy

For people that watched the show, I suspect most would have had me pegged as Willow. She was the brainy sidekick with a secret strength in her that shows itself in her powers as a witch. Or even Giles – the know-it-all watcher librarian who is the adult of the group. But I never really identified with either of them. I have always – as I’m sure many other people who watch(ed) the show do – identified with Buffy.

Of course, I wanted to be able to kick ass like her – duh. I’m not sure anyone who watched the show didn’t want that. But it was so much more than that for me. She had her friends, as well as her mother, her fake sister, and even her boyfriends that adored her. She was never really alone – but she was always alone. And there is nothing that I can identify with more than that utter aloneness that you can still feel when surrounded by people that love you.

I also believe that for all her physical strength, Buffy doesn’t have the same hidden well of strength that Willow exhibits. She wears armor so no one can see that she’s soft and squishy under it. We start to see the cracks in that armor when her mom gets sick and eventually dies. We  see it, but nobody in her life sees it. She runs the water and listens to the radio while she breaks down so that no one hears her. She goes outside to cry so that no one (except Spike – who counts as no one to her at that time) sees her. Up until the point that she fully snaps, she allows no one to see how broken down and weak she’s becoming inside.

That scene where she falls apart while doing the dishes. Every time I watch it I feel as though I’m watching myself. There is something so very isolating and painful about that moment. And I am there and know exactly how that feels.

Why season six is my favorite

For many hardcore Buffy fans, season six is one of their least favorite. The Trio is hardly the badass demon Big Bad she usually faces. Although in retrospect, they might be the scariest ones in that whole show. And I think most people would agree that the writing in this season is not the most amazing as a whole, despite some standout episodes. However, this season has become my favorite of the seven seasons. And it’s not just because of the musical or the sexy Buffy-Spike relationship – although that has its moments.

When we’re viewing season six through Buffy’s eyes, everything has a dulled-down feel to it. Like she is unable to fully experience the world, she is more apathetic and numb. And if there was a better representation of depression on the screen when this originally aired, I haven’t found it. Of all the seasons, there are some elements of this one that feel the most real to me. Because who wouldn’t be depressed after their mother died and they’ve been yanked out of heaven? If Buffy had gone back to being her glib and chipper self, it would have felt so terribly wrong.

This is my favorite because of all the seasons, this is the one where I can see myself in Buffy the most. She carries a weariness and numbness that is all-too-familiar. And because, at the end of it all, she starts to break through it. She begins to come back to herself and her friends and sister. She begins to learn to live again. And that is often what it feels like when you begin to emerge from a depression.

There are many, many problems with Buffy as a series. Not excluding the fact that Joss Whedon and his band of merry male writers objectified women and girls throughout the series while pretending to be feminists. Or the fact that the only characters of color were often horribly characterized stereotypes. Or Xander – enough said.

But it will forever be one of my favorite shows for its flawed yet kickass main character.  while she struggles with what is good for herself – continues to fight for a better world. That’s someone I’d like to be